I wish I could punch you in the face.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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