when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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