i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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