Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize