I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
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please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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