i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How external is "for external use only"?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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