would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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