i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
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I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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