I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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