i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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