8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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