last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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