Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
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I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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