Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
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If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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