i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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