She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
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One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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