we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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