Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize