i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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