Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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