When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize