mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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