apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if only i could text you this smell
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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