Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
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every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
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I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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