i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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