I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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