I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize