My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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