I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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