I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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