So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
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Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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