Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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