he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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