the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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