I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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