20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize