he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
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