You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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