No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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