On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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