im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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