I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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