Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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