did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
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My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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