Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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