i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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