You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
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The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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