The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
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Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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