this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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