I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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